we are three

it's three am and i can't sleep. i think it's a combination of not being able to find a comfortable way to lie down once i stir around, and the anxious energy that starts up once i can't get back to sleep. my energies start in on today's long day at work, which concludes with a tour of the birth center at Swedish, and more than likely, the way it's looking now, another very early night to bed. i try not to worry about the weird schedule, and just take things as they come.

i've heard that third trimester you can get a lot of energy; running around the house doing projects; nesting. i can honestly say that my list of projects has a lot less to do with the energy that i have and more to do with the clarity that i have that this may be the last opportunity to do some of these things. at work, it's more about not wanting certain things to lose momentum or have anyone carrying them forward in my absence, because we can't afford (politically or financially) to let them completely rest for a few months. i am very close to completing everything i wanted to before mid-November, which likely leaves a little bit of extra time to dot the i's and cross the t's. but the truth is, i'm very tired. and the energy i do have is an anxious one. it's not really pure.

at work, i'm grappling with a deficit of just under $1M for my fiscal year, and this is for a project that has had around $40M invested over close to a decade. it's the second year we've been under water, and we've reduced our projected loss from last year by about $1,25M. in the big scheme of things, three months of my mental energies will not *solve* this problem (we won't break even this year), and a number of things are already in motion that will put us in a better position for next, but that anxious energy that sets in at three in the morning naturally gravitates towards this issue. is there more i could do? more i can transition before i'm out on leave?

at home, there are the "projects" that you've heard me talk about - the storage and the closet; some of them are losing their original vision and i'm fine with that. if work has taught me anything it's that you've got three things to work with: time, budget, and scope. it's the scope that always gets cut, since time and money are usually fixed. i'm not really concerned about it, other than minor disappointment that these things are still happening so late in the pregnancy. i knew i would be tired and find it hard to move around, and wanted to avoid certain things while in this state - but it hasn't really been so bad letting the timing slip a bit.

what does seem to keep grabbing me when i can't sleep at night are the things that we haven't figured out yet: how much time will i get to take off with sick leave (this is apparently, according to my employer, up to my doctor). what will the new health care premiums do to our budget? and how much is it really going to cost us to go to all these doctor apts and have Veronica at Swedish? now that we've made a decision that Aaron will work part time, freelance, and stay at home with Veronica, i wonder: what does that look like in terms of cash in and out every month?

i've been crunching numbers all around and it's going to be very tight, but not impossible. it will take dedicated time for Aaron to truly have half-time to work on his business, which means my taking a new and different tact in my own work. in general, i very much like this idea, it's just challenging to manage myself through these family and work changes.

what would i do if i didn't have Aaron to do all of this with? i am reading "operating instructions" right now - the "first year" diary of a new, single mom and every page wells me up with this feeling of being blessed with a partnership where all of these things get worked on and sorted out. in spite of the struggle that comes with the new circumstances, and in spite of not having all the information or strategies in place to outline every single next step, i do have this peace and this clarity about how fortunate i am. we are. not to mention that there isn't even one twinge of anxiety or stress about the thought of Veronica finally being out. i know it will be hard, but i'm really, really, really looking forward to meeting this new little girl and watching, hopefully helping, her figure out who she wants to be when she grows up.

optimism prevails once again. i will try to go back to sleep now.