there's too much to tell you

1. there is no such thing as a "walking epidural" - at least not where i live. at first, i was disappointed with this information because i really had my heart set on some kind of drug-related pain relief, i imagined a "small" dose to "take the edge off" along with some kind of natural relief, like being able to move your legs. a doula told me that there are very few places in the US who do this type of epidural, though it does exist, due to lack of training of the anesthesiologist in this sort of method. really? that seems weird to me. still, i'm having veronica in a birth center (read: a very popular hospital made to look like your living room) and so if they don't do it, nobody around here does.

2. our projects are nearing completion. i think we might even be done "on time". i get so happy when i think about this that i almost cry. which leads me to ...

3. i finally (nearly) cried at work. my colleagues did a HUGE thing by taking all the books that I had signed for the people who contributed to my book (now two, count them, years ago) and took that last step of addressing the envelopes and taking them to the post office. when they showed me a bag full of addressed packages, i literally cried in front of a full room of people. there's some really nice people and some really strong hormones for you!

4. we interviewed doulas last week and selected one we like and will start working with in mid-November. we're excited about what seems like a good match and we think she'll help us bring all the things we've learned into childbirth class into the birth process, which will be good.

5. i think i'm finally working through the fear/anxiety that gripped me at the beginning of this process, mostly because i'm beginning to have some insights as to why i was feeling so. aaron helped me realize that the only association that i have with medical anything is very connected to the process of my sister dying. so even imagining being in a hospital bed, not able to move, with an IV in my arm, is truly terrifying to me. i know it's not logical, but that's what's at the source of my anxiety about it, and that explains all the random birth/death connections i was also making with my early pregnancy symptoms, and on and on. i would like to write about this later when i can concentrate on it more.

6. i can barely concentrate on anything, another reason for producing this list, and it is starting to affect my ability to work well. i think i'm still doing ok, but i am starting to annoy myself (at work) with strong ambivalence towards everything. like i can't wait to finally come home and focus on family, but at the same time i am going to miss out on interesting events, individual/team progress, and other things while i'm out. i'm trying not to annoy everyone else with both my flightiness, but also with these strong stay/go sentiments.

7. aaron said the cutest thing yesterday. he said: we keep saying 'when the baby comes' but the fact is, she's already here. she's just easier to feed and she's not crying. he forgot to mention there's no poop yet either. speaking of, there he is, practicing holding little V in his decorative sling. the other is an iphone self-portrait of us - trying to record the enormity of it all.